Beltane Lessons
This Beltane was a freaking whirlwind.
It was day 4 of attempted (surprise) weaning. Some goofy medical stuff happened and I needed to not breastfeed for 24-48 hours. At the end of that first 24 hours, I was surprised to discover how much I had enjoyed not breastfeeding.
Our nursing relationship got off to an extremely rough and traumatic start that resulted in me pumping and chasing down donor milk for the first year of his life, while also nursing on demand. It was hell. I ditched the pump on his first birthday and that was beyond freeing. I hadn’t really given any thought to weaning, mostly because the idea of it just seemed so hard, and I haven’t had a lot of space in my brain for hard things lately. But those 24 hours of having my boobs all to myself felt REALLY good. He has always had some behaviors at the breast that I find very frustrating, twiddling and clawing and chewing and just staying on long after I have any milk left to offer, leaving me feeling depleted and quite literally sucked dry. He would come and grab at my chest any time he saw me sitting on the couch and want to stay latched on while I tried to type on my computer. Not having to deal with any of that felt…amazing. Plus I was in my ovulatory Mother energy on the verge of Sorceress, which meant I had the capacity to do the work involved in making the change, plus the discernment to keep saying no. So I started wondering…could I get away with this?
36 hours passed, then 48…and I kept saying no. I kept holding the boundary. It hurt to see him be sad, of course, but I kept holding onto the knowledge that I was modeling boundaries for him, and self-care and strength. I thought, I can do this. It felt good, but I knew the grief would come.
The morning of Beltane I noticed that my breasts were starting to return to their pre-motherhood shape. I checked to see if I had any milk left. When I only saw a few little drops, the grief I had been waiting for finally washed over me. I had a good cry about it and decided to do a ceremony. I did a beautiful breast massage with my lovely salve from @true.boom and expressed my milk into a tiny bottle to save. I was shocked to see streams instead of drops. I thought for sure I would hardly have any milk left. I never had much to begin with, and all the trauma of those first few days and weeks of his life resurfaced. I wept and honored our journey and my body.
When he got up from his nap, I told him I wanted to do one more snuggle (that’s our word for nursing) and then we would be all done. I took him to my witch tree, where I do all my rituals and return my blood to the earth every month. I asked if he wanted to snuggle and he got so excited and ran to me. I nursed him and looked at his perfect little face and thought about all the hours of the past two and a half years that I’ve spent nursing him, comforting him, nourishing him, crying because the chapter was coming to an end. My baby is growing up and our relationship is changing. Then he completely shocked me by getting up after about 20 seconds and running off to play! I couldn’t believe it.
I cried a little more and wondered if that was really it. Really the end. I made tortillas and lilac syrup and watered my seedlings, reflecting on endings and beginnings. The turning of the wheel. Then at bedtime, he started saying “one more snuggle. One more snuggle, ok?” And I was so surprised to find that I actually wanted to. Somehow doing my milk ceremony earlier that day and seeing that I had more to offer him made me feel excited and happy to offer him this nourishment…but on my terms. I told him we could do a tiny snuggle and then be all done. He nursed very calmly and sweetly for about 2 minutes on each side and then contentedly lay down in my arms and drifted off into blissful baby sleep in a matter of minutes. I was so shocked at how lovely and yummy the experience was, and I thought, if this is what breastfeeding is now, I can do that!
This morning, he came into my room to find me and asked for a tiny snuggle, and the experience repeated! Except instead of going to sleep, we read books and started our day at an easy and gentle speed.
I’m not exactly sure what’s happening, but I’m open to the unfolding. I’m open to the redefining of relationships and the restructuring of them with new boundaries that leave both parties feeling happy and fulfilled. It felt very potent to learn and witness all of this within the portal of Beltane, the celebration of high spring, the peak of Maiden energy.
When you live according to the Wheel of the Year and the Wheel of your cycle, I swear the Earth takes care of you and shows you the way. Blessed Beltane, friends.